The I-76ers

Pouring One Out for the Forgotten 2013-14 Sixers

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(image via Philadelphia Daily News)

The Sixers have had 28 players on their 15 man roster this season. That’s, uhh, a ton. This season has been a revolving door of players, signing perennial D-Leaguers to 10-day contracts or picking up former college standouts. Unfortunately, not everyone could make the Sixers’ final roster. Let’s look back at each player no longer with us and determine how much we should remember them. On “Da Art of Storytelling Part 4,” André 3000 said: “If I still drank that malt liquor, I’d pour the beer on the ground for the Sixers not around.” (Pretty sure he said that.) Well, I’m going to evaluate the players’ contributions to the franchise and decide how much malt liquor each one deserves. I’ve broken them up into categories, as some have done far more for the team than others. Pour out some liquor as I reminisce about the fallen soldiers from the 2014 76ers.

Never Played a Game This Season

Kwame Brown- Oh, Kwame. I do miss seeing you eat candy on the end of the bench. The Sixers cut him in November and the former top pick has not found a new home since. This seems like the end of the line for the center, and while it would have been nice to watch him this year, it’s for the best for both parties that they went different ways. Fly free, Kwame, you beautiful, majestic bird. We’ll always have candy.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? Even last season when he did take the court, Kwame didn’t do anything for the Sixers. This one still hurts. It’s like saying goodbye to that lovable loser friend you grew up with. I’ll pour out my 40 for several seconds to honor Kwame.

Danny Granger- Danny Granger never played a game for the 76ers, but he still deserves a statue outside the Wells Fargo Center. Granger was the reason the Sixers finally said goodbye to Evan Turner and Lavoy Allen. The Pacers have entered a tailspin now with Turner on their team, while Granger has since joined the Clippers and contributed small numbers off the bench.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? A lot. I’m talking half a 40. Thank you based Danny Granger for freeing Philadelphia from Evan Turner.

Earl Clark- Earl Clark came to the 76ers in the Spencer Hawes trade, and never stepped foot on the court. The team cut him, and Earl signed a 10-day deal with the Knicks. He hasn’t played since. Earl Clark spent less than 24 hours on the roster, but he’ll be remembered as one of the more obscure players involved in Sam Hinkie’s Trade Deadline Massacre.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? Just a quick pour. Show some reverence, but don’t overdo it.

The Veterans

Evan Turner- Evan Turner. Thank God you’re gone. The former number-two overall pick never amounted to much during his time in Philadelphia. This season he posted 17.4 points per game, a number inflated by taking 2.5 more shots per game than his career average. Evan’s jump in scoring, though, still amounted to zero offensive win shares, showing  how inefficient he was despite the high numbers. Turner’s buzzer-beater against the Celtics in late January could have potentially hurt the Sixers in the standings, but luckily the team persevered and locked up the second spot heading into the lottery next month.

The Sixers shipped Turner to Indiana and it’s been amazing to watch. The Pacers have played like garbage. The team has imploded and people have attributed this to several causes: players gearing up for new contracts causing a lack of offensive flow; the team parting ways with beloved teammate Danny Granger. Those claims may have some validity, but the actual cause is simple: Evan Turner.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? None. I’ll take a shot of warm Vlad for Evan Turner and then immediately hate myself. That seems like an appropriate way to remember him.

Spencer Hawes- Everyone’s favorite Obama-hating, Dipset-shirt-wearing center. He spent four seasons with the Sixers before the team shipped him to Cleveland on the trade deadline. While his defense lacked, Hawes developed into a nice offensive player with the Sixers. Watching him hit threes from the top of the key never got old.

We won’t miss Hawes, though, for what he did on the court. His outspoken personality made him a true gem. Spencer has toiler paper with Obama’s face on it. He passionately despises Obamacare and taxes, and, in college, he gave a speech about how climate change isn’t real. Whether or not you agreed with his views didn’t matter; everyone could enjoy his political tweets and plethora of Romney 2012 shirts. Now, Spence isn’t ours. He’s Cleveland’s. Disappointing, but maybe Hinkie will use the second round pick he received for him to bring Philadelphia its next great Republican center.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? Half a 40. Spencer played pretty well on offense for the team and gave us many hilarious off-the-court memories. He earned a hefty pour.

Lavoy Allen- Lavoy Allen, the other half of the Sixers’ legendary conservative frontcourt. He too had some iconic political moments off the court. A photo surfaced of him wearing a Romney 2012 shirt. On election night, he offered comfort to a distressed Romney-supporting model. After the team traded Jrue Holliday, Lavoy made an Instagram video where he poured out water, not liquor, for Jrue.

Unfortunately, on the court, Lavoy wasn’t as enjoyable. Everyone will best remember him for the 2012 postseason run, where Lavoy actually wasn’t terrible for once. He somehow posted a PER of 17.1 those playoffs and played really well against future Hall-of-Famer, all-time great Kevin Garnett. I can’t explain it. Why Lavoy played that well at all, let alone against a player of Garnett’s caliber, is inexplicable. But it happened, and it was kind of awesome. With Lavoy anchoring the frontcourt, the Sixers were just a few breaks away from beating Boston in-game seven and advancing to get swept by the Heat. Alas, that didn’t happen. Reality set in the following season for the Sixers, when they realized they weren’t actually only a piece or two away from a title run. Lavoy, though, was still an integral cog and provided crucial defense for a team that made one of the silliest postseason runs in recent NBA history.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? I’ll pour the rest of Spencer’s 40 out for Lavoy. Lavoy is not very good at basketball. But for seven games against Boston, he was.

The Ten-Dayers

Darius Johnson-Odom, James Nunnally, and Dewayne Dedmon- These three collectively played 23 games for the Sixers and had a combined win shares total of -0.1. Thanks for helping the cause, guys! Of course, by playing in so few games, they didn’t have many opportunities to make last memories. Dedmon shot 51.4% from the field while in Philadelphia and Nunnally went 2-2 from beyond the arc in the Sixers 25 point rout against the Pistons to snap their 26 game losing streak. Darius Johnson-Odom’s time in Philadelphia, however, was the most spectacular. In three games, he played a total of fifteen minutes. He committed five fouls and turned the ball over twice. He took seven shots and missed every single one. His PER was -23.0. Just delightful.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? I’ll give them a respectable three-second pour. These guys represented everything that made these Sixers awesome. This team was a revolving door of players, and we never knew what former college standout was going to bless us. These three didn’t do much, but they’re what made this team so much fun to follow.

Unfortunate Cuts

Eric Maynor- Unlike most of the other players acquired on the trade deadline, Maynor actually played for the Sixers. His wonderful eight-game reign resulted in eight losses. In his debut, the Sixers lost to the Bucks, and Maynor’s +/- was -29!!! (I know +/- is a flawed stat, but I still wanted to point that out.) Maynor rebounded to post back-to-back 13-point efforts, only to go scoreless in four of his last five games with the team. The team released him on March 17, and he hasn’t found a new team since.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? Maynor gets the Earl Clark treatment: a brief pour to show a small bit of reverence. Maynor also came here during the trade deadline shenanigans, and, while he actually played, he barely contributed more than Clark. Despite his uneventful tenure, he still was a member of the legendary 2014 76ers. No one can ever take that from him.

Daniel Orton- An OG. The Sixers signed Orton just before the season started and stuck with him until January. He was there for the magical three game winning streak to start the year. In fact, he won seven games with the Sixers! Not bad, Daniel. His ten-point, ten-rebound, and two-block effort in a loss to the Pacers was his season highlight. Unfortunately, though, he had to die get released for the cause. He now plays for the Maine Red Claws, but we all know he will always cherish those memories he made with this Sixers team.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? Orton didn’t do much to merit a long tribute, but he still is an OG. I’ll pour my 40 on the ground for about three seconds to honor the man.

Darius Morris- Darius Morris was the first member of the Sixers who actually played minutes for the team to get released. This makes him the Bormoir of this 76ers team. In his penultimate game, he went out fighting, dropping 20 points against the Pelicans, just like Boromir sacrificing himself in an attempt to save Merry and Pippin. During his time in a Sixers’ uniform, Morris had a not-awful 11.9 PER. The Sixers waived him in November to make room for Elliott Williams, and Morris has since found a home in the D-League.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? The first cut is the deepest. Sorry it had to be you, Darius. I’ll pour out a quarter of my 40 for the first fallen soldier.

Lorenzo Brown

Lorenzo Brown- Look at Lorenzo Brown’s transaction section on Basketball-Reference. He spent this season going back and forth between the Sixers and 87ers, getting called up and down at a frantic pace. Maybe he scratched Hinkie’s car and this was some sort of punishment. No matter what, he didn’t do a lot while with the Sixers. He averaged only 8.6 minutes per game and his PER was a weak 8.2. Maybe his poor performance came from exhausting travel between Newark and Philly. The Sixers mercifully released him in March, and Brown now plays for the Detroit Pistons’ D-League affiliate, the Springfield Armor.

How much malt liquor should I pour out? None. I’ll give my 40 to Lorenzo Brown, instead. He’s had a long year. He deserves it.